Keenan

My name is Keenan and I’m a recovering heroin addict. I wanted to write a personal testimony about the pain I’ve endured, not only myself, but to those who love and care about me. I’ve done this once before but can say I wasn’t 100% honest about everything I wrote, so I’m looking at this as a second chance to talk about all of this. I hope someone can look at my story and use it as their motivation to stay clean, or to help see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I have been involved in drugs for quite some time now, starting with weed in high school, alcohol in college, Xanax post-college, and now opiates. While I was in high school, I was introduced to weed by some friends and I agreed to try it because I was desperate to fit into that scene. Growing up I witnessed my older brothers getting high all the time so I was no stranger to that type of lifestyle. That opened the door to many other groups of people I never expected myself to get involved in.

After a few years of that I moved schools for a chance to better my education and for a chance to find a new group of friends. While I was attending this new school I had trouble fitting in because I was not used to the sudden change in my surroundings. After the first semester I finally started to fit into that friend group when I got the news that my grandma was very sick and that it was probably a good idea to visit her. I’m sure many people have that genuine love for their grandparents, but I have never felt so emotionally connected to another human being.

Once she passed away, that was my first encounter with grief. I felt empty for years and I believe this is exactly what caused me to start self-medicating. I have always been a very depressed and suicidal person, but it never became heavy until this happened. It took years of partying and blocking out raw emotions until I tried hard drugs like cocaine or Xanax.

After high school I moved to East Lansing to attend college and it didn’t take long to find friends who loved to party all the time…this is when drinking became a huge problem for me, constantly partying and getting blackout drunk every chance I could get. After about 2 years of constantly going through ups and downs, I decided to move back home with my parents.

It didn’t take long at all for me to pick up prescription pills (downers). I met someone who’s dad fed him Xanax to “calm his nerves” and eventually did the same for me. By this time in my life I had just wanted to forget all the pain I endured over the years and Xanax was the best thing to help make me forget.

After several months of hospital visits, suicide attempts and run ins with the law, my friend slipped a Morphine into my cocktail of pills and it was my first time ever trying an opiate. I was falling asleep, then waking up and finally asked what he gave me… At first I was upset, but once my anxiety calmed down I began to really enjoy the effects it had on me. This began a terrible road to my addiction to heroin. I never touched a Xanax again after trying the Morphine and it was the most drastic change I’ve had in my life since losing my grandmother.

I was living in Grand Rapids at this time and was looking for Morphine, when I came across someone who was addicted to heroin and was looking for a new dealer. It didn’t take us very long to find some considering it’s a bigger city and drugs are all over the place. I was scared to try heroin at first because my family has always had problems with opiates and I saw how it had an affect on everyone. Once I tried it, I was instantly hooked… I couldn’t get enough of it and I made sure every single dollar I spent went to it.

Days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months, and I eventually began getting both physically and emotionally dependent on it. I tried to stop cold turkey…then tried by getting into a detox facility more times than I can count… tried rehab multiple times…and now I’m in jail…AGAIN – hoping this is the end of that constant revolving door.

When you’ve been sober for long enough you begin to finally see how messed up that kind of lifestyle truly is. The amount of overdoses I’ve witnessed, the amount of times I’ve been in an empty house with nothing but dirty needles and addicts, the amount of pain I’ve endured as well as forced upon those who care and love me….I would do just about anything to go back and make things right. I’m looking at this as a second chance to correct my mistakes I’ve made over the years and hopefully be able to help others struggling with addiction and mental health issues.

I’ve constantly battled with my depression and anxiety by self-medicating and it just buries the real issues I struggle with. Today I am content with who I am as an individual. I love myself for who I am and who I’m growing to be. I believe this is my chance to prove myself wrong and never touch another drug again and prove to myself that this life is worth living.

Thank you for reading my story. Keenan.