It started with a sip
My first real drinking experience was in the summer between 8thand 9thgrade; I was 12. We were in a trailer in the back yard and 4 of us split 6 beers. It was fun, scary and we all got a little buzz; but it was a hidden secret. No one else must know about this. When you do something you shouldn’t it’s usually done hidden and in secret.
I enjoyed that experience because it made be a part of a select group. I was chosen to be a part of this group and to keep it secret. It made me feel accepted – a part of something. Isn’t that what we all long for? But this wasn’t the sip.
Now first of all, I take accountability for all the mistakes I’ve made in my life, so there is no blame on who did this or that to me. My parents were social drinkers and I never saw them drunk. It wasn’t a problem for them. As a child I would ask my dad if I could drink the foam of his beer. And occasionally he would let me but only a “sip” or two. I liked it. I liked the taste. My siblings did not.
This occurred long before anyone was aware or educated about the damaging effects that alcohol could have on a young child. My parents were good parents; no neglect or ill affects intended, but they were uninformed about how sipping alcohol could affect their child.
Fast forward to 10thgrade. I wanted to be accepted by the “in crowd”; to be cool and my friends became people that drank and partied. I quickly became known as someone who could hold “her own” and was strangely in a “sick” way admired for being able to drink as much as some of the guys. Who knew anything about having an increase of tolerance? I had it, and it happened quickly, and I could drink a lot.
Two high school memories that standout to me are; one a dance where I spent the entire evening in the bathroom throwing up. My date – well I guess he just waited. On another occasion, mixing beer and hard liquor, I passed out and had to be carried into my home and bedroom. My first big blackout occurred that night. A blackout is not a pass out; it’s when the brain does not record the events and therefore you cannot recall them EVER AGAIN!
It is scary when you cannot recall what you did last night or what you said. Yet, everyone else remembers and so you begin to the play the game of pretending you remember. You try really hard to find out what you did say and do. But you never do remember and only have what others say. It’s frightening not to remember so you begin to compensate with humor etc. to cover up the memory loss.
My drinking escalated in college with more partying, more blackouts, more shameful and disgraceful behaviors. I am covering up things, making up lies in order to live with myself and not be so ashamed.
My parents insist I leave college due to poor grades. So I do and I happen to get a really good job. But again my drinking escalates with poor decisions; a terrible reputation begins along with unhealthy and immoral lifestyle. I begin to have difficulties covering up my mistakes now and even sarcasm and joking doesn’t work. I am embarrassed and I am losing self esteem. I don’t like myself but I attempt to hide these feelings from myself and cover up whatever way I can. Some times this is having a few drinks, which always lead to intoxication.
Eventually to ease the pain and embarrassment I start to blame my behaviors on being an alcoholic. During this time some people attempt to talk to be me about my drinking but to no avail. It’s a wonder I’m not dead because of dangerous situations I place myself in and driving under the influence. I am now missing days at work or coming in late to work. My appearance has changed; weight gain, puffy face and haggard, unkempt.
I’m 27 years old and being pressured by my employer that if I continue to be late and miss days I will lose my job. I am afraid of losing it because I support myself. But mostly I have grown to hate my life. The pressure of job loss makes me seek help. I’ve been drinking pretty heavily since I was 16.
I enter out-patient treatment. I’m required to pay for a portion of my treatment as this program feels that a patient that has a financial investment in the treatment they will place a higher value on their recovery. So treatment is a 13-month commitment. The first 6 months is group therapy from 6-9pm M-F. Individual counseling as needed. The next 3 months is 3 times per week and after that 2 times per week and aftercare 1 time per week.
I humble myself and make this commitmentas I truly dislike my life, my lifestyle, and myself, and I want my job. It is tough, very difficult and very hard. I work my job and go to group therapy. I am also expected to attend AA meetings. I still smoke pot; this drug is not my problem.
I realize there are many temptations and feelings and relationships that want me to return to drinking. In order to stay committed I must face these situations. It is strongly suggested that I take Antabuse (a medication that will have no ill affects unless you consume alcohol). I say yes to Antabuse for 13 months. Per my therapist, I also develop a treatment plan for myself. All this is life altering, frightening and boring. I must stop going to bars, stop hanging with my friends and face remarks and ridicule from people that want me to drink. I realize I must give up a relationship with a sibling because we are tied together in totally drinking behaviors. I must also face giving up pot. If I really want to recover and not leave any openings to relapse I must have a drug free life; all the way.
Antabuse plus group therapy and my treatment plan become worth it. I begin to see the need and the value of it. My life changes and I begin to learn who I really am and to gain respect for myself. I learn to deal with difficult situations and my emotions constructively and not resort to drugs. I begin to like me.
Not an easy process. It takes time and effort and very uncomfortable times attempting to repair damages that I had produced. It will require time and sticking with the plan. NO VEERING. NONE! You find out who is for you and who is against your recovery. You must keep on being determined and committed.
45 years later; I have been sober and drug free, including cigarettes. I know I made the best decision for my life and I am glad. 45 years of living – not 45 years of dying.
In the 1980’s I received Jesus Christ as my Savior. AA or NA would call it your higher power. This relationship is what has sustained and set me free for 45 years of continued sobriety and healthy mature living. It changed me, made me whole and truly let me forgive myself and others. You also can get on the right path to living drug free. Never give up because life is better living each day rather than dying a little each day.
