Living with and loving someone with a substance abuse problem is extremely traumatic. Sometimes it leaves behind scars that last a lifetime. It has the ability to change you as a person, and if you’re not actively seeking help for yourself, you can become so lost that you won’t even recognize yourself in the mirror anymore!
Here is some of what I went through when my husband was in active addiction.
What started out in my mind as some casual “fun” partying, soon became something else. When we started having children, I thought it would stop. It didn’t. Thankfully, it wasn’t necessary for me to tell him that he had to keep that stuff away from the house because I was a true Momma Bear and would not allow any of that garbage near my kids. He agreed, which meant, he was gone frequently, for several days at a time. In the beginning, I feared the worst – that he was shacking up with other women who would let him do his drugs there with them. I would put on my brave face with my kids, lie to them about where their daddy was, and then go cry myself to sleep, begging God to help us all. In the end it was almost a relief to know that it was “just the drugs” that took him away from us.
A decade long story made short, things escalated to the point where we had no money, we were buried in debt, he was gone more than he was home, and there was another child on the way. He had become more and more paranoid at this point and had started this habit of calling me in the middle of the night and telling me that people were after him. Sometimes he said it was the police, sometimes it was people jumping up on him from the back of his truck. Sometimes, while he was sitting in his motel room, he would hear a knock at the door and tell me that someone was trying to break in. He became very agitated and suicidal at this point in his addiction, and again would call me to talk about how he was going to end his life. One night in particular, he was going to drive off a bridge in a nearby town…which would have meant, no chance for survival. This night, I loaded up my kids and took them to my mom’s house (thank God for my mom all those years!), and I went to pick him up and bring him home. He wouldn’t get in my car, but promised to drive straight home and I would follow him.
I had been a Christian and actively going to church for many years and honestly can tell you that the only reason I made it through all of that is by the Grace of God carrying me. This particular season of my life always reminds me of that famous “Footprints” poem. He had come to church with me many times and I truly believed that he wanted to be free from this addiction. He was always so full of remorse when he was coming down….but as soon as he would get a clear head, there he went again. He would volunteer to go to the store for milk for dinner, and I didn’t see him again for 4 days. Thinking back now, I can assure you it was ONLY through my relationship with Jesus that I existed. I poured myself into that relationship. We were at church more than we were home. We were in every Bible Study, every class, every outing…I served in every area I could find….for YEARS! I’m so very grateful that we had a safe place to go and get healing and refreshing from the only one who could truly help us…Jesus.
One night in November 1999, I will never forget as long as I live! He had been increasingly paranoid, as I said, and these calls for help were becoming more regular and he started coming home earlier – while he was still high – because he was so paranoid that people were out to get him. This night, it was about 3am. The kids slept upstairs, and my bedroom was on the first floor. I heard him come in because I was laying there praying and crying out to God for help. I laid silently without moving a muscle because I was trying to hear what he was doing in the other room. I was frozen with fear because he had never come home at this time of night before and I had talked with him earlier and he said someone was following him….I may have thought he was having hallucinations, but after a while, I started to fear it myself! He kept moving around in the kitchen area and he didn’t turn on the lights. I laid there for what seemed like hours, when I felt his presence on the floor beside me…he had crawled in beside the bed. I cannot explain to you the level of fear I had at this point because unless you have been there, you would never understand. I forced myself to sit up and ask him what he was doing. He told me that there were people outside that followed him home and that he was hiding from them. I told him that nobody was out there, nobody followed him and to go lay down on the couch. He crept out to the living room but soon went back to the kitchen.
I was so full of fear…I was panicking…he was clearly out of his mind on drugs and I did not know what to expect next. I was starting to get extremely anxious that maybe he would head upstairs where our children were, or that his actions would wake them up and they would come downstairs. I started praying harder…crying out to God with everything that was in me! A few minutes later he was back by the side of my bed and this time, he sat up and said, “Who’s in that bed with you?” I said, “Nobody!” He said (pointing to my 8 1/2 month pregnant belly), “Someone is right here with you, who is it?” I again said, “Nobody is here! Go lay down on the couch!” He whipped back the covers and looked, then snuck away again. Now, my heart was beating outside of my chest and I just could not settle down. I was worried about my kids upstairs, and worried about this one inside me because I was about to literally have a heart attack or go into labor if he didn’t get out of this house!!!
A little time went by and it seemed like he may have left because I hadn’t heard anything. Maybe I couldn’t hear over all the screaming inside my head and heart, when suddenly the covers were ripped off me and he shot up over me with a huge knife and started screaming that he was going to kill this man who was in the bed with me. He had the knife lifted way over his head like he was going to plunge it down right into my belly when something unearthly came over me and I sat up and with a voice that I didn’t even recognize I commanded that demon to leave this man and this house in the name of Jesus! I do not know everything that was said, I just know that I SAW with my own eyes, an evil entity leave that man at that very minute and his entire countenance changed. He dropped the knife, dropped his head, dropped on his knees and sat there for what seemed like eternity!!! I didn’t breath. All I remember saying to myself over and over and over was Jesus. Jesus. Jesus.
After several minutes, he rose to his feet and said, you can go to sleep now. Everything is going to be alright. I’m alright and I’m going to sleep on the couch. Of course, I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t move. I didn’t sleep. I did however witness him proceed to the couch and almost immediately, fall to sleep, which was just unbelievable. As soon as I was able to get myself up out of that bed, I went to the kitchen and removed every knife and hid them, where they stayed for a very long time. I sat up waiting…in awe….not knowing what to expect next. I cannot say exactly what happened next, other than to say that this was 21 years ago and with the exception of one night of relapse, my husband has been drug free!
I can only imagine what you must be thinking, but I assure you, I am being 100% truthful. As you can imagine with over a decade long addiction, there is more than one “horror story” I could tell…but this was a beautiful story of deliverance from a Good God who loves me, and my husband, and stepped in for me when I needed it most. I do not know why it doesn’t happen that way with everyone…because it doesn’t! I know this because we have lost a child to addiction and for whatever reason, he was not spared.
I wanted to share my story because as I said in the beginning, sometimes there are life long effects of this type of trauma and we need to actively seek help for ourself to overcome! Fear is the end result of my trauma and I have had to deal with it ever since. Not fear like “oh, I’m afraid of spiders”, this level of fear is haunting, gripping, and paralyzing IF you don’t fight against it daily. I am a firm believer in the power of words, especially the Word of God, because I have seen first hand that power working in front of my very eyes. Whenever I feel fear creep up on me, not only do I use my words and tell it to get away from me, that it has no power over me, I also remember Jesus’ power on display in my situation and that brings me peace and hope! Even when the devil will rub in my face the fact that my other children are battling with issues and he wants me to believe that they belong to him now, I tell him to shut up and get behind me because Jesus ALREADY won and I belong to HIM and so do my children….no matter what it looks like in the natural!
Friend, I don’t know what you are facing today. Maybe its a spouse who is using, maybe its a child who is using or even living an alternative lifestyle…or maybe it is you who is in the battle, but I am telling you today – THERE IS HOPE! THERE IS A WAY OUT!!! I know there are many programs and paths that you can take…but I know a shortcut, and in my personal opinion, the ONLY way to real deliverance and healing is to surrender to JESUS CHRIST! Cry out to Him today – HE WILL MEET YOU THERE!! It will NOT be an easy thing. I left that out of the story, but work, pain, struggle, sacrifice IS part of the deal!!! Please reach out to me today if you would like help knowing more about Jesus or for help with you or a loved one’s addiction.
P.S. I am STILL working on myself continually! I am connected to support groups, I have close friends that I can share openly with, and I seek God’s help through His Word every single day. You can’t do this alone. Be brave and reach out for help today!
NEVER GIVE UP!!!!
